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One thing I did this weekend when I wasn't stress knitting, staring off into the distance replaying hideous images in my head or sticking my nose into Hugo's nape and inhaling deeply while giving thanks over and over again, was to read Jenny Rosenstrach's new book, Dinner: A Love Story. And let me tell you, on a weekend in which I despaired mightily about our society, this book steadied and soothed me. It was very good medicine.

Jenny's mission in her book (and on her wonderful blog) is to help us all put a family dinner on the table, most nights of the week. It seems simple enough, right? And yet, how many of us struggle with it? (Of course, I don't even know the half of it yet, seeing as my child still just nurses for dinner and thinks any puréed vegetable I put in his mouth at lunchtime is worthy of wonder. And how about yogurt, cold, plain yogurt! Hugo is a big fan.) Jenny puts forth the premise that family dinner is where all the magic happens, that no matter how busy and stressed a family may be, if you are gathering at the dinner table most nights of the week, you are doing something right as a parent.*

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(Did you read this article, about the woman who kept a dinner diary for 14 years? That's Jenny!)

In Dinner: A Love Story, Jenny proposes not just simple meals that are easily deconstructed to suit the pickiest palates (both child and adult), but tells her own story of becoming a home cook, a commuting gourmand, an exhausted new mother and, finally, the person she is today, with two daughters and a husband, four red chairs in their kitchen and a battery of culinary treasures to keep everyone happy. These treasures include recipes for when you finally start entertaining again, recipes for commuting parents with nary a moment to spare before dinnertime and recipes to make with your children (one day!).

I earmarked things to try like Mexican Chocolate Icebox Cookies and Breaded Vinegary Pork Chops and Fish Cakes and Spicy Shrimp with Yogurt, among many, many others. Jenny also gives you tips on how to start the dinnertime conversation with reluctant talkers, how to cook on a family vacation, and how to make a few select drinks for when your children are finally, blessedly, in bed. (I've just started to realize how important these are.) It's a real all-around manual.

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Besides the fact that I completely agree with Jenny, that family dinners are among the most important things a parent can do to connect with their children and keep the fabric of that relationship taut and intact, what really touched me about the book was the story of Jenny's marriage with her husband Andy (read their great Bon Appetit column here) – they seem to be true equals in the kitchen, which is something of a wonder to me (and I'm sure many of you out there, too). (For spouses who don't like to or "can't" cook, she says their task (besides washing the dishes) is simply to master one good meal – genius!) Plus, Jenny writes so endearingly and with such appetite that I found myself wishing I could beam myself straight to her dinner table more than a few times.

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A few of my closest friends have children who have just graduated from being pleasantly omnivorous babies to very picky toddlers with Opinions and Dislikes and this book feels like it was almost tailor-made for them. How about you? Those of you with children, what's it like cooking for them and eating with them? What are your tricks to get them to eat, well, whatever they don't like to eat? What are your feelings on family dinners? When did your children graduate from the children's table to the adult one? Did you ever cook meals just for them or did you always make your kid eat what you did? I'd love to know.

*Just so no one gets stressed out, Jenny says not to even worry about family dinners until your child is around three years old. Attempt them before that and you're mostly looking at a recipe for frustration. Updated to say that this experience may, of course, differ depending on what kind of child you have!

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30 responses to “Dinner: A Love Story”

  1. rach Avatar

    Cold plain yogurt is fundamental (rather a lot of it ended up on the floor and walls today but that’s all part of the fun – i think) as are lentils, ditallini and peas, peas, peas. I can’t wait to get my sticky yogurty hands on a copy of this book. I am a dreadfully disorganized Mum but I always have breakfast and lunch at the table with Luca. While he has his supper I have a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Cake is fundamental. He has always eaten what I eat and I have let him feed himself. http://www.babyledweaning.com. It works for us and the table is a happy (messyish) place.

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  2. Sara Avatar
    Sara

    This book looks great! We have family dinner about 5x a week with our 3.5 yr old. I think around age 2 (when kids are finally able to more or less eat everything) we stopped giving him baby food, and had been phasing in more regular food for a few months already. My biggest tip for parents with picky eaters is to not fight about the food. If your child doesn’t eat, then (s)he may be excused from the table (Mom and Dad are sitting at the table to eat. If you don’t want to eat, you are not allowed to sit at the table.) Ignore any tantrums, and don’t allow any screen time during dinner time (even if the child isn’t eating).
    I do disagree with not attempting family dinner until age 3. As soon as your baby can sit up for a while unassisted, I think it’s still a good idea for baby to sit at the table with the family, even if they only play in their high chair (Of course this won’t always work, but I think it’s a good way to establish a family dinner habit). At the end of the day, it’s about knowing your child and your family. But don’t automatically assume your child won’t be ready to eat with the family until after age 3 just because that was true for some other people. Likewise don’t beat yourself up if family dinners seem harder for your child than other children.

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  3. Robin (Hippo Flambe) Avatar

    I agree with Sara that family dinner can happen earlier then age 3. I think it all depends on how you define it. My children started sitting at the table with us as babies, just establishing the routine of dinner. They started just being there, to being fed purees while we ate dinner to feeding themselves the foods we were eating, just chopped into tiny pieces.
    As they grew older and picky my rule was I never would cook them a separate dish for dinner but I made sure there was at least one thing I knew they liked on the table and everything I served I was comfortable with them making a meal out of. That meant no white rice or white bread and when my youngest did not like meat I often served two vegetables.
    My kids are considered great eaters by others because they eat many vegetables etc, however they are still picky. They have gone through phases with many of the dinners I serve, such as separating out the peas and meat from the comfort food Chinese Hamburger with Peas I make. Sometimes their pickiness makes me nuts but I they are good eaters and they are more adventurous now (at 7 and 10).
    Another tip is I never made them try anything, and I never put food on their plate that they do not like or are wary of. I offer them tastes of things from my plate, a small quantity on a fork is much less intimidating then a pile on their plate. Kids are entitled to their likes and dislikes at the table as much as adults are.
    Robin

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  4. Jessica @ Quirky Bookworm Avatar

    We do family dinners almost every night now, although my 2.5 year old doesn’t always eat what we eat. She’s super picky, and likes the same few things, so I just try to always give her a bit of what we’re eating.
    Like if we’re having meatball subs, she gets a meatball, and then string cheese and applesauce. Or if we’re having enchiladas, she gets a plain tortilla, and then yogurt and an orange or something.
    She always defaults to fruit and dairy: she’d exist on only those if I’d let her, so I just try and include a bit of our food to get her used to it. But I keep her other options simple: I don’t want to be cooking 2 meals every night!

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  5. Amanda Avatar
    Amanda

    As the mother of a 3 1/2 yr old, I can say that just about everything in this book (and blog) is spot-on so far, including all the recipes I’ve tried. I do think family dinner can happen before age three, though I think the point in the book is that you shouldn’t worry yourself about it if it doesn’t. We’ve always sat down with our son for dinner and eaten just about the same things, or at least meals based on the same things, but we have flexible schedules and I think for some people the work/meal schedule is harder.

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  6. Ariana {And Here We Are...} Avatar

    For as long as my daughter has been eating solids, we have been having family dinner most nights. True, there were some early days when my husband and I looked forward to putting her to bed, and then enjoyed dinner (and WINE) in quiet together. But we’ve always fed her pretty much everything we were eating. I don’t cook separate things for her, and I do ask her to try everything– but she usually wants to, anyway. My own husband had a super long list of “dislikes” when we met, but it turned out that he just hadn’t been exposed to those foods enough, or had only tasted them poorly prepared. That is a huge reason that I do want my daughter to try everything, multiple times. She does have a few foods that she doesn’t care for, and so I ask her to usually have a bite of them when I serve them– we emphasize gratitude for all food, even when it’s not our very favorite!

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  7. Giulia Avatar

    We always have family dinner and have even with the little babies. I never make food especially for the kids, but I plate everything we are having and they eat what they like. I never force any food on them. My daughter is not very picky anymore at 5, but my son won’t eat vegetables, period. We don’t worry too much, he’s healthy, growing, etc and I’m sure he’ll eat a pea one day.

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  8. Katie Avatar
    Katie

    We have 3 kids – 8, 5 and 1 1/2 and we make it a priority to eat dinner together almost every night from when they are tiny babies (I have lots of memories of eating while nursing with a napkin draped over the baby). Our approach has been simple – we say when and what is provided, and the kid decides whether and how much to eat. If they have to go to bed hungry a few times it won’t hurt them (and I always provide at least 1 side dish that everyone will eat). My kids eat a wide variety of foods and we have mostly managed to avoid mealtime control battles. Not that it’s always easy to eat with a toddler at the table, but it’s important and most of the time fun!

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  9. Honeybee Avatar
    Honeybee

    This books sounds like a must-have!
    Our daughter (now almost 3) “graduated” from pureed vegetables and fruit to solid foods when she was about 10 months old. At first, I cooked separately for her (without salt) and then for my husband and me but that quickly became too stressful. We adjusted our dinnertime and seasoning and had a family dinner almost every night ever since. It may often be somewhat messy but mostly, I think it’s wonderful to sit down together to eat and talk about the day. While our daughter is not a fussy eater, the choice of dishes has changed a bit, of course. No more hot thai curries and whatever I make, I must be able to make it quickly! On work days, I have about 45 minutes to get dinner on the table. Still, I try to serve a variety of foods and ask her to try a little bit of everything.
    My trick to get her to eat any vegetable (she doesn’t like the ones with “sloppy” consistency like zucchini): soup. Anything goes in the form of soup.
    Btw, this is a great book with family recipes, too (in german):
    http://www.amazon.de/Unser-Men%C3%BC-eins-Familien-schnell/dp/3905801736/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355953081&sr=1-1

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  10. Kay Avatar

    This book is definitely on my “must-have” list! We’ve been doing family dinners at the table since day one and I admit it is usually a challenge, but it is getting easier. Now that he is 13 months I am able to feed him the same food we are eating which he seems to enjoy. We have a farm, and I must say that when we go out and pick fresh veggies and fruit straight together,straight from the plant or tree, he is WAY more interested in eating it. Gardens are a fabulous way to get kids (even little ones) to eat more veggies!

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  11. courtney Avatar
    courtney

    My daughter ate everything– EVERYTHING– until she started preschool at age 4. Her favorites were tomatoes, olives, black licorice, peppers, and now it’s all I can do to get her to eat broccoli. It’s devastating! I took a nutrition class in college that said you should never cater to your children’s tastes by becoming a short order cook. As long as you offer plain bread along with dinner, then you can insist the only food options are what’s on the table. There is never pressure to finish food, but I do always insist my daughter tries what I have cooked. As soon as she graduated from purees, she went straight to eating what we ate for meals– just mashed or cut up very small. I’m a total believer in this method. Her new-found picky-ness is due to starting school and seeing what her other friends eat and don’t eat, and also now my husband works nights, so our typical family dinner has seriously suffered. (We had family dinner since she was a baby.) But we eat easier foods now that I’m only cooking for the two of us. I can’t wait to get back to a more normal schedule and routine. I need to check this book out if there’s even a chance it will help get us back on track!

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  12. Devon Avatar

    We have family dinner almost every night, and we also have regular (once or twice a week) dinners with our close friends and their kids. (We cook for each other as a part of our child-care exchange arrangement.) I find that even when it is just my four year old daughter and I, putting the napkins and water glasses on the table, lighting a candle, and sitting across from each other with our similar but different collections of fridge goods (sardine melts and leftover celery root remoulade? steamed broccoli with red sauce? creamed white beans and roasted squash?) makes all the difference. But I don’t know if we could maintain the momentum if we didn’t regularly sit down with other adults and show the kids how it’s really done. Our kids – almost all younger than 5 – sometimes start a little earlier than we do, and always finish first, but there is a clear sense that the dinner table is a place for everyone, and a time to be anticipated, enjoyed, and respected. **I would say one key to this is always providing a snack a few hours before dinner, and then not giving any food until dinner. Some other friends of mine fall prey to whiny kids twenty minutes before dinner, feed them crackers or cereal, and end up eating dinner alone, standing around, every night…

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  13. Karen Avatar

    I’ve found that with my children, getting them involved in the fun of procuring and preparing food helps them try more dishes. They come to the farmers market and get to choose treats (baby carrots, berries, shiny apples), and they devour anything that they pick from our garden. They love to make pizza with me: we treat the dough like play dough and make snails and treasure chests and pirate ships before letting it rise. Another fun cooking project is making fresh pasta: they love to roll out the dough on our hand crank pasta machine, turning a tedious task into a coveted activity (Tom Sawyer style). Also fresh Vietnamese spring rolls are lots of fun to assemble, and encourage sneaky nibbling of shredded carrots, lettuce, and sprouts.

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  14. Charlotte Avatar

    We eat dinner together as a family most nights although there isn’t (most nights) a similarity between what we eat and what my son eats – we eat it together. Our boy has sensory issues that affect his eating – the pickiness didn’t start until he was about 18 months – prior to that he ate just about everything. His pediatrician says we, just for the moment, give him what he will eat and wait it out and model good eating behaviour for him. I love Jenny’s book and have made more recipes from it than just about any other cookbook I have.

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  15. RV Goddess Avatar

    I feel our family dinner together was one of the most important elements in raising our daughter. After she was about age 3 or 4, we dined together nearly every weeknight. Important issues of the day were discussed – before she headed-off to homework, etc. If a certain course was not enjoyed/eaten, I figured our girl would eat a good breakfast the next day. Now that she is grown and has a family of her own, I am so happy she keeps the same tradition and is an excellent cook. Food is life.

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  16. kaktusfink Avatar
    kaktusfink

    Something completely different (as much as I enjoyed reading about the book and the inspirations for our sometimes rather messy family dinners):
    Ich weiß nicht, ob du immer noch auf der Suche bist, aber ich habe mittlerweile bei einigen tükischen Geschäften tiefgefrorene Artischockenböden entdeckt, heute morgen z.B. habe ich beim türkischen Laden Berliner Str./Ecke Bundesallee welche gekauft. Aber vielleicht bist du ja selber inzwischen fündig geworden.

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  17. Naomi Avatar
    Naomi

    We’ve eaten dinner as a family from the moment our daughter started solids at six months. Before then, she sat at the table with us or in her bouncer where she could watch. Since we went with baby-led weaning instead of purées, she’s always eaten what we are eating. Now she’s 3 and a half, with a healthy appetite for sushi, licorice and olives, amongst other strong flavours and will eat pretty much anything. Her 21 month old brother was weaned the same way and generally will eat whatever, though currently turns his nose up at meat until he’s almost done his dinner, then wolfs it down. But considering curried egg sandwiches are his favourite, the strong flavour thing seems to have held true with him, too. My mom says that although she did purées, she never made separate meals for us as kids, we just got a bit of what they were eating, blended up.
    Family meals really are great. I can’t imagine the stress of having to make 2 meals every evening to feed your kids separately. I’d never run into it in Canada, but here in England, it seems to be more common than not. There has been the odd night where we’ve fed the kids early and had a nice meal to ourselves, but I really enjoy that it’s a time to sit down together without distractions. I’ll have to track this book down, I’m always looking for new ideas.
    Oh, one thing to help it go smoothly? Never bring dessert out until your kid has finished eating their supper, or you’ll never convince them to finish!

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  18. Mary Avatar
    Mary

    I bought your book last week, not knowing anything about you…just thought…..well this looks like my favorite kind of book to read, great cover, interesting comments by authors I love and well a love story with recipes!!!! MY FAVORITE!
    I devoured your book and am now devouring your blog, can’t wait to start trying your recipes.
    Thanks for all your good book. So glad I found you in time for Christmas, now all my sisters (4 of them) daughter-in-law (a baker) and niece (newlywed living in MN after falling in love with my nephew, but from Germany and missing her family terribly) will get your book for Christmas and fall in love with your writing and blog too. Thanks again, Merry Christmas

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  19. Mary Avatar
    Mary

    OOPs that should have said, thanks for all your good work! 🙂

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  20. Verena Avatar
    Verena

    When I started weaning Freddie, he ate everything: purred cauliflower, plain yoghurt, broccoli. I was very glad. He then started to be more picky, but is still a good eater at 16 months. I made baby foods for him, ie vegetable purée but at 9 months he’d grown out of it and he wanted to eat what we have without salt. One thing I’m very proud of, is that he always refused packaged baby food – it’s great as an emergency (and sometimes life would have been easier if he’d eaten it), but I know people who only give their children prepared stuff.
    Family dinner doesn’t work for us yet for purely practical reasons: Freddie can’t wait for his dad to come back from work, he would be starving otherwise. But I’m looking forward to family dinner and hope he won’t turn into a picky toddler.

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  21. caps Avatar
    caps

    Would love to hear about the fruit cake you mentioned!

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  22. Rachael Avatar

    Something about how you wrote this post was so thoughtful and kind to parents! I’m just through the heady days of babies-eating-everything-with-joy and on to a chooser eating style. I’ve read lots about this book but didn’t realize it would be good for families with even just toddlers.
    I also love @Rach’s comment, the first one, about having some tea and cake with dinner. There does seem to be a need for two dinners when your partner works late!

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  23. Carrie Avatar
    Carrie

    One of the things we have done from the time my kids could sit up on their own was to seat them at the table with us so that we could be together as a family every night for dinner– we did this by using a clip-on chair which works beautifully for this purpose.
    As a rule, we don’t cook separate meals. By now they know that they have to at least try what we are eating and of course no dessert unless they eat a healthy and balanced portion of their dinner. As for encouraging them to try things they think they aren’t interested in eating, we have a few tools. My four year old loves to help in the kitchen– baking especially– and I have always found that when she is a part of the process of making a meal, she’s more willing to try new things to eat. If she eats veggies as we cook, I”m happy– it doesn’t have to happen at the table per se. Since textures are an issue with my daughter I also find that I can give her loads of good things in the form of a smoothie. Also, a favorite condiment is soy sauce so otherwise unappetizing veggies may get a splash of soy, which we are fine with too.
    My son is only one and still pretty much into anything we give him (love this stage– so easy to feel like a successful parent when they aren’t yet discerning!)– but I’ll try the same tactics with him when he arrives at the picky stage. In the end, although the repertoire of foods my preschooler will eat right now isn’t enormous, I am ok with it because there are a fair number of healthy things she truly likes and eats regularly. I’d be lying if I denied that our family as a whole has evolved to include more and more of the popular food items in our weekly dinner rotation. Since my kids favor broccoli, green beans, mushrooms, and tofu, for instance, we in turn eat quite a lot of those things. We’ve learned how to spin these ingredients into some tasty meals that we adults like as well…

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  24. Keri Avatar
    Keri

    I’m a big fan of DALS – it’s one of the places I go when I have no idea what to make. (And I’m hopeful that some day my family will be more interested in fish, because she always has really great fish dishes.)
    My girls (7 and 4) have always eaten with us, unless there are friends over who also have kids, and then the kids table is a lifesaver. They love having their own adult-free space; we get to have a conversation. My four-year old, who ate everything we did when she was a baby has lately turned into a very choosy eater. She says she only wants nachos or sushi or canned baked beans. I make one of those meals once a week so that she can feel included (and often make myself something else, because, even a cheese lover like myself can have it up to here with cheese and chips). Still, she’ll eat lots of different vegetables, as long as they are served raw, and so I’m not really complaining.
    Aside from pizza, the one meal that pleases everyone in our household is pasta with long-cooked broccoli. My older daughter often says she thinks something will be “gross” or “yukky” but she’s game to try new things and surprises herself (and us) when she decides she likes it. Lately I’ve put more curries into the rotation and as long as they aren’t too spicy she’ll eat everything on her plate.
    Neither of my girls are natural meat eaters, and that has had lovely consequences for the rest of us, although their dad misses his daily meat. I’m sure he’ll be healthier for it, though. Both he and I were raised in families that valued the family table as a place to come together, talk about the day, hash out plans and dream a little as well.

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  25. Luisa Avatar

    kaktusfink – tausend Dank für den Tipp! Mittlerweile hat mir eine Freundin aus Paris welche mitgebracht, aber hier hatte ich sie noch nicht gesehen. 😉
    Mary – THANK YOU! For reading, loving and gifting to your loved ones! I’m thrilled. Happy holidays to you.
    caps – working on the post right now!
    Rachael – well, thank you!

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  26. Jill Avatar
    Jill

    I was raised on family dinners and continued the tradition with my own daughters, now 19 and 20. I have to say that it’s hard to underestimate the importance of sitting down with your children at the end of each day and sharing a meal and conversation. I was never willing to cook two separate meals and always managed to come up with things that everyone liked – more or less! Hearing my children ask “What’s for dinner?” even at this age when they’re home for a short while from college and anticipating gathering around the table with them is one of the things I look forward to most! Buon appetito!

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  27. Kathleen Avatar
    Kathleen

    With 2 teenage boys (always hungry) and their often competing schedules, I’ve fallen down on the job, but I would love to return to more family meals. We manage one together on Sunday afternoons, but otherwise, it’s sporadic at best! I just noticed another new book on the ‘New Nonfiction’ display at the library where I work: “Return to Sunday Dinner: the Simple Delight of Family, Friends and Food,” by Russell Cronkhite. I think I’ll read that one too: more inspiration!
    Luisa, thank you for your insightful, delightful blogs (I read both), and so enjoyed your book! Best to you and your family!
    Kathleen

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  28. Ka Avatar

    This is where the magic Happens – ja das stimmt 🙂 auch an unserem Tisch finden sich abends alle Kinder plus große Leute zusammen. Ich koche mit liebe worauf ich Lust habe und meine Kinder essen davon was sie mögen. Das einzige was wichtig ist in meinen Augen an einem Familientisch ist die Freundlichkeit jedem gegenüber das zu nehmen was er mag von dem was ich kochte … Ohne druck!
    Ich wollt eigentlich nur danke sagen weil ich dein Buch so mag und ach deinen Blog. Viel Freude und Fröhlichkeit dir im neuen Jahr!

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  29. Megan Avatar
    Megan

    Jenny’s take on dinner is awesome and I have loved reading and using her book the past few months (speaking of awesome books, your book Luisa was wonderful as well – such great reading and yummy recipes – thanks!). We have a 2.5 year old little gal and have tried to have her at the table with us for every meal. Most of the time I doctor up our meals and give her the pieces she likes or can manage, but she is a good eater who loves food. Our house is small, so no children’s table, but she seems to look forward to dinner and even gets small tasks like putting the napkins and forks on the table. We are slowly transitioning from easy, toddler friendly meals to more complicated meals and she has really surprised me (of course there are some days when she doesn’t like it and is vocal – even if she liked it two days ago – but that’s the way that story goes). Anyways, making food and sharing dinner has been one of my favorite pieces to share with my daughter, especially as I learn to be a better cook.

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  30. kelli Avatar
    kelli

    Luisa, one of my proudest acheivements relates to my children’s (4 & 7) eating habits. There seem to be a couple tricks– feed them real food. When my son was 2 and wanted to eat a black olive i hestitated thinking that is not kids food. He loved it. Praise their attempts. Let them know that they have to try something many times before they can really say they don’t like something because the palate changes.

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