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This is what things have come to over here. I decided that the anemia rendering me a black-eye-shadowed zombie needed to be given a swift kick in the you-know-whats and started adding ground beef to my daily diet of a double dose of iron supplements. The verdict? So far I am feeling slightly less catatonic and out-of-breath, though that could also have to do with the intravenous iron infusion administered to my left arm yesterday by my very tall, kind-eyed doctor. I enjoyed the first hamburger I made at home far more than I thought I would, though, so I've decided that it deserves at least some of the credit.

I'm in the home stretch, folks, the one where every minute of every day ticks by excruciatingly slowly. These last weeks are a kick in the head. I alternate between thinking about which appendage I'd gladly sacrifice to kickstart labor and staring in shock at the teeny-tiny clothes stacked on the bed in the spare, er, baby's room, awaiting their dresser, incapable of comprehending that a baby, our baby, will be inhabiting those very clothes sooner than I can imagine and wondering how to eke out more time in these last days of being just me.

So distracting myself with ground beef and how to structure a hamburger sandwich that will be my son's birthright as a German-American seems sensible, no?

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For the hamburger itself, I simply bought ground beef and added a bunch of salt to it before forming it into a single patty. I once read that when you make hamburgers at home, you should make a thumb-sized dip in the middle of each patty so that the burger doesn't swell up annoyingly while it cooks, rendering your sandwich even messier than it would be otherwise. (I know that really good burgers require more seasoning than just salt, but did I mention my zombie state? It keeps me from being able to page through cookbooks without my head hitting the table.)

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While the meat cooked in a little bit of melted butter in a pan, because I am grill-less and because I also vaguely remember reading once that if you don't have a grill, the next best thing is to fry your hamburgers in butter (where all these great burger tips came from, I don't know. Forgive me, o unknown food writer! Maybe I'll remember in another nine months.), I gathered the fixings for the rest of the sandwich.

Bun, toasted.

Tomato, sliced.

Baby romaine leaf, washed and halved.

Pickle spear, sliced.

Mayonnaise, for a very thin coating on the bottom bun.

Ketchup, the Holy Spirit of my refrigerator, the anointer of every hamburger ever to pass my lips.

And then I assembled. And ate. And perked up right away, like a bunch of flowers after getting their ends snipped and water replenished. I don't know how long I can keep up the hamburger-a-day routine (two days in a row and I'm feeling all meated out), but who knows. Max caught wind of the project and is now clamoring to be let in on the deal when he finally comes home.

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Yesterday I had to go to the hospital to drop off some paperwork and when I rang the bell of labor and delivery, a doctor in blue scrubs came out and asked me if I was the person scheduled for the c-section tomorrow. No, no, I stammered, I'm just here to drop these off and with that, I handed her the papers I'd brought. She smiled at me, took them and I left. Three steps down the hallway, I suddenly wondered what it would be like if I had indeed been that person she took me for. I imagined myself on an operating table the next day. Max next to me. A big sheet, a few tugs and, finally, someone handing me the baby. And suddenly I felt so overcome with longing that my lungs hurt. If I could have, I would have walked right back to the doctor and asked for an operation that instant.

So that's where I am, counting the minutes, the seconds, as they inch by, leading me towards the kid who's waiting for me, for us, just beyond what we can see or fathom. Soon, soon. Not soon enough.

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43 responses to “The Waiting Game”

  1. Ariana {And Here We Are...} Avatar

    Luisa, you describe your feelings so well, it took me right back to waiting for my daughter to be born (almost six years ago.) It made my throat ache… The disbelief that someone will really be filling those tiny little clothes, trying to imagine life changing completely, trying to enjoy my time alone– yet desperately wishing she was already in my arms. It was maddening to be rubbing her back through my stomach– so close, I could feel those little vertebrae… But not nearly close enough! I wish you well in these last few days– peace, joy and rest. And when he comes, a smooth birth and transition into motherhood.

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  2. Robin Avatar
    Robin

    Luisa, I have been thinking of you in your last weeks of waiting! Sending happy thoughts and good wishes your way for this strange and wonderful time.
    And the best hamburgers, IMHO (as they say), need nothing more than salt and pepper. I used to add some sautéed minced shallots but now think that just complicates the process and the taste unnecessarily. Your burger looks superb!

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  3. Katie Avatar
    Katie

    Hang in there! I was two weeks late with both of my babies (one who has her first birthday in a week!), and there is a special kind of crazy that you go in the waiting. All the best to you!

    Like

  4. Jill Avatar
    Jill

    I vividly remember thinking my daughter would never arrive, especially when all the women in my childbirth class started to deliver. Now she’s 19! Savor every instant – it goes by so quickly!

    Like

  5. Katherine Avatar
    Katherine

    This made me cry 🙂 Hang in there – you’re in the home stretch. I have two kids, and I love being their mom, but I did not particularly relish being pregnant, especially at the end. All the best.

    Like

  6. Maria Avatar
    Maria

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts as you get closer and closer to the big day.
    I’m a vegetarian, but hamburgers were my favorite before. I’d never read a recipe, but this is what I did: Form the patty, liberally sprinkle salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic salt on both sides (to do that without contaminating the shakers may be challenging…) and then cook on one side until the edges are browning up over the edges to the top side, flip, cook until done. Do not press down on the patties if you can stop yourself, that squishes some of the juices out, and seriously resist over-flipping.
    I love your writing 🙂 thank you for your lovely style.

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  7. Suzy Avatar

    Another great meat fix recommendation for you, the entrecote (or in fact anything from the meat counter) at galeries lafayette.

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  8. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    I happen to be a red meat-aholic, a burger a day sounds like heaven. Burgers are so versatile. I have hundreds of varieties so my palate doesn’t tire of the ground meat. Greek inspired (tzatziki sauce, mild pickles, feta, and tons of fresh tomatoes) Asian inspired, (teriyaki sauce, sesame oil, scallions, rice wine vinegar), Spanish inspired (shrimp, chorizo, a nice red wine reduction), I could go on & on.
    Sending a million good thoughts and vibes your way as you anxiously wait to meet this new little person face to face. Good Luck!

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  9. Honeybee Avatar
    Honeybee

    Mmmh, I’d never say no to a great burger.
    I recently made these:
    http://www.wildeisen.ch/rezepte/kochen/rezept/details/spinat-hackfleisch-schnitten/
    in an attempt to
    a) get our toddler to eat more meat
    b) prevent anemia in my pregnant self
    (substituting the double cream with fat free greek yoghurt, using only one egg and less cheese in the topping). They were a hit with everyone.
    It is such an emotional crazy time. All the best for the last few hours/days/week?

    Like

  10. Melanie Avatar
    Melanie

    Enjoy the last bit of time you have just being you, before you know it your hands will be quite full with your bundle of joy. Lots of good karma coming your way for a speedy delivery. All the best to you —

    Like

  11. Lisa (dinner party) Avatar

    Love this post, Luisa. The baby will be here before you know it — enjoy every second of peace and quiet!

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  12. Michelle Avatar
    Michelle

    That is awesome! When I lived in Austria I would get those crazy American food cravings and would come up with approximations, like s’mores with strange pink strips of Suess Speck. And I had to laugh about the “Miracel Whip”, which I had grown up snobbishly turning up my nose at until I wanted to make American-style potato salad without having to squirt an entire tube of mayonaise into.
    Good luck to you and your (incipient)family!

    Like

  13. dervla @ The Curator Avatar

    He will be here before you know it and a few weeks later you’ll be a little wistful for the days when you were still pregnant. Not because having him on the outside is so bad, no on the contrary, but because those last few weeks are so precious and so beautiful and you’ll miss the feeling of him living inside you. Enjoy. Can’t wait to hear the news 🙂

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  14. Mihaeko Avatar

    What an amazing place you’re in right now, you gave my heart a pang too. It’s surreal, being suspended there in anticipation and there’s so much more surreal to come. Burger makes for a good dose of real though. 🙂
    My thoughts are with you.

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  15. stacey snacks Avatar

    Luisa,
    Miracle Whip? I guess you really are pregnant!
    I am a Hellman’s girl myself.
    Take care and relax in your home stretch….
    Stacey

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  16. Denise | Chez Danisse Avatar

    Almost there, and so well described. Not to mention the tasty looking burger. I think I know what I’m having for lunch.

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  17. Redd H from Salted Spoon Avatar

    Hang in there Luisa! Your burger looks fantastic! Thanks for the thumbprint tip. I hadn’t heard that one.

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  18. Daniel Avatar
    Daniel

    You’re almost there! Just think of the sleepless nights and the feedings to come. Diaper changing isn’t all that bad, to tell you the truth, but a baby screaming because he is sleepy, hungry, soiled, or for simply no reason- it just pulls at your heart. But then again, when he smiles or just stares at you, you forget almost everything.
    I hope you meet your baby soon. It’s simply amazing.

    Like

  19. Pinchandswirl Avatar

    Louisa, our beautiful zombie :), so good to have an update. I’ve been thinking about you in this home stretch and wondering how you were. You’re so close!

    Like

  20. katy Avatar

    I think that burgers are always a good way to distract oneself; in fact, it’s the one thing that prevented me from giving my heart to the vegetarian movement when I was a teenager. I just couldn’t abide the thought of a life without burgers.
    As for not having a grill, I recently tried Molly Stevens’ roasted burgers and if you put a rack over a cookie sheet covered with aluminum foil (and cover said foil in salt), you can roast the burgers quite nicely in the oven.
    Good luck with the home stretch!

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  21. Molly Avatar

    Hi, friend. I was already thinking of dropping you a line today, to say that I’m thinking of you and Max and your little man! It still seems like ages before we’ll meet our girl, but man oh man, I feel you on the zombie thing. For the past two weeks, I’ve been exhausted like never before – not to mention an emotional wreck from the fatigue and work pressure; lots o’ tears here – and finally found out that I’m anemic. Started my supplements yesterday and am on a daily-red-meat regimen, too! I hope I feel the results soon. In the meantime, wish I could join you in Berlin for a burger… xo

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  22. Peggasus Avatar
    Peggasus

    Pay attention now! A long time ago I read that the way they move inside of you is how they do the first weeks out as well. My older son (he’s almost 26 now!) did this little fluttery-finger thing that felt like an inside tickle, and afterwards I thought, ‘So THAT’S what you were doing in there!’ Best of luck to you all!

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  23. christine Avatar
    christine

    luisa,
    for one thing, beet root helped me (and several other friends suffering from anemia) through pregnancy…a lot! (and those iron supplements sucked badly, especially stomacwise!)
    secondly – when the baby is ready (and you feel ready) i’m strongly recommending a small bottle of cider (the genuine english stuff like strongbow’s). in my case it rendered a guaranteed ‘outcome’ after 18 – 24 h (twice proven…).
    good luck to you, your husband and your offspring!
    christine

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  24. Charlotte Avatar

    Oh – those last weeks. Maybe it was just me but the days after the baby was born moved just a slowly as the days just before he was born. Hang in there and enjoys the inside kicks. You’ll miss them one day. And I wish you a speedy delivery and recovery. (It’s my thought that the last weeks of pregnancy drag just so that you get over the fear of labour because you just want it over and to meet the wee one). Enjoy the burgers – I laughed at the Miracel Whip.

    Like

  25. june2 Avatar
    june2

    You’ve gotta check this out:
    http://www.consciousparenting.com

    Like

  26. Luisa Avatar

    Ariana – your comment made me cry! I can’t wait to feel his little spine for real.
    Robin – thank you so much.
    Katie – every day I say a little prayer that he won’t be overdue… 😉
    Jill – it’s like hurry up and wait! 🙂
    Katherine – thank you.
    Maria – thank you!
    Suzy – ooh yes, now to get myself there… 🙂
    Sarah – Greek-inspired sounds great! Max would love that, too.
    Honeybee – thanks for the link (yum) and good wishes.
    Melanie, Lisa, Michelle – thank you!
    dervla – just started trying to catch his funny little movements on video to keep them for posterity! Easier said than done…
    Mihaeko – it’s such a funny limbo, isn’t it? Lovely and excruciating at the same time.
    Stacey – Hellman’s is not a brand sold in Germany.
    Daniel – aah!! Yes!!
    Pinchandswirl – so close and yet so far! Trying to enjoy these last few days 🙂
    Katy – that sounds brilliant and better than spritzing beef fat all around the stove top. Thanks for the tip!
    Molly – so sorry you’re suffering from anemia, too! If it doesn’t get better, ask your doctor for an infusion. It pepped me up like nothing else, really.
    Peggasus – yes, I’ve heard that! If his movements now are any indication, he’s going to be an active little boy. 🙂
    Christine – thanks for the cider tip, I love Strongbow! Had no idea it was a remedy to start labor. Fantastic news!
    Charlotte – yes, all fear of labor is gone now. I can’t wait to get started. Who ever would have thought that?? 🙂

    Like

  27. Dorothee Avatar
    Dorothee

    Oh Luisa, I’m so excited for you. My second babe is due in about 3 weeks and there’s just still too much to do… About the Hellman’s – I buy it at Karstadt in the “american” aisle. But Thomy does it for me in a clinch. Wish you a good and speedy delivery and a wonderful family honeymoon after.

    Like

  28. Brunette Shepherd Avatar

    I feel for ya; I just had my fifth on April 30th. Never has a pregnancy seemed so long, especially since she came two days past her due date, and my previous two came two weeks early! By the time I got to my due date I already felt overdue, so I practically wept with joy when contractions started two days later.

    Like

  29. Batya Avatar

    Hang in there and enjoy the last few moments of being a family of two! Now, I’m a vegetarian so I never ate a burger to induce labor– but last summer, when I was 9 months pregnant, living in a teeny-tiny apartment in Brooklyn, during one of the hottest NYC summers I can remember, I decided to shlep out to Queens. I went to Sripraphai and gobbled down the spiciest Papaya Salad I could tolerate. I followed this by ordering a medium-heat Pad Thai (which most non-Thai people would caution to order). I went into labor toward the end of the meal and delivered our son the next day. Coincidence, maybe. Worth a try, absolutely! Good luck! BTW, the Poppyseed Cake you posted was amazing!

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  30. mehwish Avatar
    mehwish

    hey Luisa,
    I am from Pakistan. i am such a big fan of your’s. i keep sending your blog link to all my friends.Your blog is amazing and I regularly keep checking if you have written in..i love your writing, it is beautiful! hands down,my favourite blog.
    may you and your family have all the best!
    i am actually so excited that you are going to be a mommy soon!! 😀
    take good care

    Like

  31. Sasha Avatar

    there just ain’t anything like a homemade burger.
    here is to homemade burgers and wishes for a quick and healthy delivery (and one that is quite soon)! all the best! i am looking forward to reading about the little guy’s arrival.

    Like

  32. Kaffeebohne Avatar

    Hi Louisa,
    let you tell you of a two-kids mom:
    he will decide when he is ready to meet you. And this will be the time when he is ready to leave his cozy place he is enjoying at the moment.
    Try to enjoy your time til he is there, because he will change the life you are knowing at the moment. Maybe enjoy a dinner out with your husband without falling applejuice glasses, cold food because you have to feed him first or letting him eat your meal because he decided that he choose the wrong meal etc. These are the last days as a couple because you enter the stage for a family.
    Hugs Kaffeebohne

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  33. Seattle Shannon Avatar
    Seattle Shannon

    A tip I learned from David Rosengarten is to save your bacon grease, and then cook your burgers in that, which he says simulates a restaurant in which the burgers are cooked on the same griddle as bacon.

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  34. Erika Avatar

    I love your blog, just looking at your food pictures makes me drool and want to make something…or be able to jump into the computer and eat what you make. 🙂 I’m in my 3rd trimester with my 4th and know how you feel and like everyone has told you I’m sure–it will be here soon enough. I wanted to suggest a product called Floradix for your iron. It has helped me through the anemic/catatonic last stage of pregnancy before and it is (excuse me for being too informal) non-constipating and could even help things ‘out’ a bit…which could help make room for the baby to come too..
    Ok now I’ve said too much but thank you for sharing your recipes and even though I do not know you I will think/pray for you as you wait to meet and hold your little babe.

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  35. sandra Avatar

    Hope everything goes well Luisa, I’m excited for you all 🙂

    Like

  36. Jean Avatar
    Jean

    It is hard to wait at the end but rest up ready for the sleep deprivation to follow (or continue). Have a massage, go and see a movie, enjoy a leisurely restaurant meal, have a haircut, have a pedicure, because you may not feel ready to relinquish him to a babysitter for several months . . .

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  37. Val @ Tips on Healthy Living Avatar

    That is truly a classic burger! I haven’t seen a jar of Miracle Whip in ages. What an exciting time in life for you. Enjoy the leisure of making and sitting down to eat food while you still have time for it!

    Like

  38. Hannah Avatar

    Luisa I am so excited for you. Can’t wait – any post now 🙂 Wishing you a safe and sweet transition to motherhood. Everyone has already said it but I’ll add one more – it goes so quickly. Enjoy.

    Like

  39. meatballs & milkshakes Avatar

    Yum! I just made burgers too, nothing makes memorial day like a juicy burger!

    Like

  40. dana Avatar
    dana

    Luisa, your words are so poignant. You took me back to a time three years ago when i was more than ready to meet my son. I was on a twice a day iron regimen as well and my doctor was considering going up to three. My sweet baby boy is now a thriving preschooler. Time flies. First six weeks are the hardest but it is all so precious. Crazy as it sounds. Wish you a speedy easy delivery and hope you will be getting lots of help and support from family and friends

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  41. Lisa Shenk Avatar
    Lisa Shenk

    I love your posts! Here in Kansas, the heart of the best beef in the world, we do, salt, pepper and garlic powder before cooking or grilling! Best wishes on the little one.

    Like

  42. teti.konstantinidou Avatar
    teti.konstantinidou

    I admire you for having the patience to make such a complicated thing to eat. I would just fry the mince and eat with spaghetti.

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  43. Cooking Accessories Avatar

    I have anaemia too. It’s something that I have had since childhood. My diet when I’m low on iron is lightly less sumptuous, bitter gourd and liver. I like yours way better.

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